Check-In Systems
Build a simple system for staying in touch with friends, family, and your network. Stop relying on memory and guilt — be intentional about the people who matter.
The Core Concept
A check-in system is a personal "relationship CRM" — not corporate, just intentional. You assign the people you care about a tier based on closeness, give each tier a cadence, and build a simple ritual around reaching out. Relationships don't decay because you stopped caring. They decay because nobody was keeping track. A system removes the guesswork, the guilt, and the "I should really call them" that never turns into action.
Why Memory and Guilt Fail
Memory is unreliable
You think about reaching out, then get distracted. Three months pass. Repeat. The people you care about most get the same treatment as everyone else — random, inconsistent contact.
Guilt is a terrible motivator
When you finally remember, the gap feels too long, so reaching out feels awkward. So you delay further. The guilt compounds, making each day harder to break the silence.
Reactive, not proactive
Without a system, you only connect when something happens — a birthday notification, a crisis, running into someone. The best relationships are maintained proactively, not reactively.
Everyone falls through the cracks
You stay close with whoever you see regularly and slowly lose touch with everyone else. Not because you stopped caring, but because life is busy and no one is keeping track.
The Tiered System
Not everyone needs the same level of contact. Assign each person a tier and match your effort to the relationship.
Inner Circle
Partner, best friends, immediate family. These are the 5-8 people who matter most. Weekly doesn't mean a long call — a quick text, a shared meme, or a 5-minute voice note counts.
Examples: Partner, siblings, parents, 2-3 closest friends
Close Friends
Good friends, extended family, close colleagues. People you'd want at your wedding or birthday. A text, a coffee, or a quick catch-up call every few weeks keeps these relationships strong.
Examples: College friends, work friends, cousins, neighbors
Wider Network
Acquaintances, former colleagues, mentors, industry contacts. These weak ties are surprisingly valuable — they're often the source of new opportunities, perspectives, and introductions.
Examples: Ex-colleagues, conference contacts, mentors, old classmates
Types of Check-Ins
Quick text
LowA short message, a reaction to their story, or a shared link. Takes 30 seconds but keeps the connection alive.
Voice note
LowMore personal than a text, less commitment than a call. Record while walking or commuting. People love hearing your voice.
Phone or video call
MediumThe gold standard for deeper connection. Schedule it or call spontaneously. Even 10 minutes is enough to feel genuinely connected.
Social media interaction
LowA thoughtful comment or reply to a story. Not a substitute for real contact, but a way to stay visible and show you're paying attention.
In-person meetup
HighCoffee, lunch, a walk, an activity together. Nothing replaces face-to-face time. Even once a quarter with someone deepens the bond significantly.
Shared content
LowForward an article, a podcast, a meme that reminded you of them. Shows you think of them even when you're not talking.
Conversation Starters
The hardest part is starting. These templates make it easy to reach out without feeling awkward or forced.
Reference something specific
- "Saw this and thought of you" + article/photo/link
- "Just drove past [place] and remembered when we..."
- "How did [specific thing they mentioned] turn out?"
Ask for their opinion
- "I'm thinking about X — you've done this before, any advice?"
- "Have you tried [restaurant/show/book]? Wondering if it's worth it"
- "What's the best thing that happened to you this month?"
Share something personal
- "Just had the weirdest experience..." + short story
- "I've been getting into [hobby] lately — you'd love it"
- "Trying to [goal]. Any tips from someone who's done it?"
Plan something forward
- "We keep saying we should catch up. How about [specific day]?"
- "Next time you're in [city], let's grab dinner"
- "Want to try [activity] together sometime this month?"
Batching: Build a Ritual
Don't scatter check-ins randomly through your week. Batch them into a ritual so it becomes automatic.
Sunday Check-In Hour
Block one hour on Sunday. Send 5-10 quick messages to people across your tiers. Make it a habit paired with your morning coffee or an afternoon walk.
Commute Connections
Use your commute to send voice notes or make quick calls. Dead time becomes relationship-building time. Three voice notes a week adds up to 150+ touchpoints a year.
The 2-Minute Rule
When someone crosses your mind, reach out within 2 minutes. Don't overthink it. The impulse is the reminder — act on it before it fades.
How Tormel Helps
People
Store your contacts with birthdays and anniversaries. Tormel tracks upcoming dates so you never miss an important moment.
Streak Goals
Create a weekly streak for "Check in with 5 friends" or "Send 3 voice notes." Streak tracking turns good intentions into consistent habits.
Promises
When you tell someone "Let's get coffee" or "I'll send you that link," log it as a promise. Track your follow-through and never be the person who forgets.